| About: |
I invented Jenga, Mortal Kombat and the DVD player. I was also the first person to put liquids in bottles for easy transportation and drinking. Plus I was the sixth overall pick in the 1989 NFL draft, but I didn't sign a contract because i was only 3 and a half years old. Besides, the Tampa Bay Bucaneers drafted me and we all know they sucked back then. Instead I went on to a lucrative music career in which i produced 3 platinum albums and also won 9 Grammys. I declined the awards because everyone knows the Grammys suck. Those in charge of the Grammys agreed. I have an invisible horseshoe mustache. Before I became involved, the NFL awarded eight points for every touchdown. I invented the letter G, and the number 63. I killed Alexander Hamilton because he gave me the stink-eye (historians have attributed this event to Aaron Burr). My right leg is a wino. Brad Pitt has cited me as one of his inspirations for his appearance in "21 Jump Street." I am the founder of the Habitat For Humanity foundation. My middle name is Haberdashery. I often shower with Alan Funt at the local YMCA. I was scheduled to fight Marvin Hagler on June 4, 1987, but a hamstring injury prevented him from making an appearance (I was subsequently awarded the WBA middleweight champion's belt, which I relinquished upon my retirement from prize fighting). I wrote Atlas Shrugged, but Ayn Rand stole the manuscript before I could publish it myself. I have not climbed Devil's Peak. I have climbed the moon. Canola oil trembles before me. My vocal range extends from two Cs below middle C, to two Ds above a soprano high C. I once beat up Dwayne Johnson because he stepped on my sneakers. To this day, the "creative minds" behind Gak refuse to recognize my contributions to its development. I can control the weather. Until 1956, I was the fifth face depicted on Mount Rushmore. If not for me, the Québécois would have established their own nation twenty-seven years ago. I was originally cast to play Garth Algar in the Wayne's World movies but declined because I was writing the script that later became known as Shakesepere in Love. Claudia Schiffer once gave me oral sex, twice. The color mauve is close friend of mine. My glasses are real x-ray glasses. I am the vocal coach of Jacobs Field's "Beer Guy" (you know the guy I'm talking about). I often performed with the Beatles under the pseudonym "Paul McCartney." I can make wicker baskets with my right pectoral muscle. I own Daimler-Chrysler. I ran for, and successfully won the 1980 presidential election. Led Zeppelin frequently dedicated Stairway to Heaven to me during their live performances. I wrote, directed, and starred in the Indiana Jones trilogy. One of my back molars is Dutch. My sense of humor is very serious. |
