*enter ryan*

Ryan: monte cant win anything on my site. I hereby deduct 50k from him. congrats das.

*monte writes 2000 word post for the forum and even longer emailed retort to Ryan.

hilarity ensues.

i apologize in advance for the length of this post. really, i just dont want to admit to myself that kdice has become such an impudent putrid reflection of my own sad life.

i started out the year strongly, and after a 2nd in january followed by a 1st in february, felt like i had a decent shot at winning the race for most points in 2008, barring any conspiracy by wishbone and jpc4p to buy the elusive championship outright (btw, did you know jpc has met kehoe in real life? i hope you beat his dog with a sack of dice.)

i felt confident enough that i took a few months off. who could beat 231337 + 100000 points?

in steps Ryan.

Ryan: shit! monte is running away with this. ill wave my hands and offer profuse false apologies and say i have to renormalize his points. that way i can deduct 131337 points from him. later on in the year, i will let others keep their >100k monthly scores, as long as they are not monte accounts.
Ryan's wife: Shut up, fool, and change the diaper!
Ryan: yes ma'am.

i decided to play in the background for a few months and try to just irritate everyone with my excessively radiant soapbox.

montecarlo: everyone, look at me, i am the fuckin bomb. Pat Whalen is a dick.

...

Ryan: monte's forum posts are annoying. FORUM BANd.

so now i had to tackle the difficult task of playing under one account while forum posting under another account. do not try this at home. it requires excessive clicking, and some people (skrumgaer) will never understand that 'the full monte' is 'montecarlo'....

skrum, i am montecarlo, btw.

in the lame-ass spring/summer, jpc4p finally won his gold, no thanks in part to asslicker integral who tanked me over 4 billion points while i was busy pwning my wifes uterus one night. fuck you, ali.

then i won another month, i dont remember which one, except ryan decided that fiero was god, except fiero wasnt god when he unbanned me, he was just possessed by some evil spirit. i beat upmaxM by like 100,000 points +/- 99k. but then ryan stole those points back, and said, sorry dude, but i gave points to pat whalen a few months ago, so i gotta take them from somewhere. dont worry monte, keep up your altruistic visions for kdice.

then i took another break, but noticed that murtis army of murti accounts was steadily catching up to my penalized ass. he and nex and orla all gangbanged each other to 1sts while everyone else was like, awww, thats cute.

13 years ago, i paid a hooker for sex without my parents noticing. it was a great night of pubescent wonder, and between ordeals, we played risk. little did i know that that hooker was celine dion and our bastard child would grow up to be shadolin, aka monte jr.

shadolin had a bitch of a mom. after she made her millions off of the movie titanic, she disowned him and sent him to america, where he was raised in an orphanage run by telemarketers. he quickly learned the skills necessary to whine his way into better places in life. halfway through the year 2008, he realized that his bastard father prided himself on a relatively unknown online dice game that had a searchless forum. he wanted revenge.

shad quickly got a 3rd and a 2nd, then went for a 1st to complete the trifecta. i valiantly stepped in and said, holy shit you are my son. it was instantly a self-loathing relationship. but i had to be the father figure that this kid so desperately yearned for, so i traveled to toronto, stole the kdice server for a day, tracked shad down in real life. he had no clue who i was when i walked into his IT office. he quickly minimized some window, but i walked around behind him, told him i was with the canadian porn business, and demanded proof that he wasnt stealing images from canada. RESTORE THAT WINDOW!! he swore that it wasnt porn, and restored the window to show kdice with him one roll, one turn away from securing 1st overall for the entire history of internet history. i said, MSAK THIS YOU CELINE DION BASTID CHILD, then beat in his skull with the kdice server (if you remember to that month, the server was out for about 3 hours one day... it takes awhile to clean mashed brains out of the internet).

without shad around, i brought the montecarlo account back, swooped in for +15k on the last day of the month, and stole 1st.

Ryan: wtf??? monte is such a sore winner. -15K BAN. BOOM, SUCKA!

so ry-ry dropped me 15k into 4th that month, made sure the grand finale tourney would finish such that shad would still get his 1st. all this because he still jacks off to celine dion music while his wife is breastfeeding.

so thats my story. if i add up all the points that i really earned, heres the final:

montecarlo: 4,000,607,000 +/- 99,000
dasfury: 2.5 (he got the half point when les played as him and fucked shit up).

so i quit this game. i sent ryan an email concerning how shitty celine dion is, and he never replied.

to recap: fuck ali. he gets no mustard on his turkey.

The U.S. Congress is currently considering legistlation to tax all of monte's points.

skrum's one liners rock.

wait...? Das had 27 points more,DAMN!!!

wow, just wow.

That may be monte's best post ever.

bumb for the memories of when i cared a lot about points. and wrote effortless tl;drs.

Priceless!