Internet forums keep getting taken by IDIOTS. We all know who they are: these are the stupid forumers that act like they couldn't understand what we were saying, even when it's clear that even a monkey could; that girl that only talks about fluffy and childish things and writes 99% of the words in different useless forms (like "ma", "ova") and fill her messages with smiles, making them illegible; that fool who seems to take everything seriously, pretending to be smart; those retards who like to pretend that nothing is funny, just to look more "cool"; the imbecile that thinks that posting a lot of messages, one after another, is a good way to be seen; etc.

In fact, today the Internet is devastated by those idiots in a way that us, poor normal people with an IQ above 100, become the minority, and victim of prejudice due to our irritating insistence in posting coherent and free from grammatical mistakes posts.

If you're part of that minority, don't worry: YOUR PROBLEMS HAVE COME TO AN END!

The "How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums" Guide has arrived!!!

Now you'll learn how to become a complete IDIOT, in less time than you can imagine and with guaranteed results! Don't be embarrassed with your well written and full of information posts anymore: learn to post things absolutely USELESS and RIDICULOUS, and be a part of the majority!

The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide in 9.5 easy lessons, that even an IDIOT can understand. This way, if you're already an idiot (I know we have some here ;) ), you'll have the chance to take your art to perfection! (Yes Johnson, even you!!!)


Lesson 1 - Registering yourself as an idiot (optional)

This is an optional lesson,so, if you want, you can go to Lesson 2. OF course you need to be registered in order to use a forum, everyone who doesn't know that is an IDIOT, therefore it's obvious that this lesson isn't about how to register, but how you'll do it to look like an idiot.

Firstly, you have to pick a nickname. If you really want to start improving your idiot skills at this stage, I recommend you to choose an idiot nickname. The options are relatively limited, but there's still enough to satisfy the most picky IDIOT. You can:

a) create a nickname written wrong, or incomplete, like "Gandolf" or "Aragor"

b) create a redundant nickname in English that shows that you don't understand anything in English, but wanted a "cool" nickname, like "Killer Assassin Angel" or "Flaming Blazze" (the article "a" can be used in here for a bonus effect)

c) create a ridiculous variation of a nickname that is being used by other 300 (you can be sure of that) forumers like "***%@rWeN%***" or "LLLLLLegolaSSSSSS"

d) create an illegible nickname, like "¤´¯`•»P®¥§¢¥|_|_@...."

e) create a nick that makes no sense, like johnson213, Dark_Lunatic_K (Kehoe??)

f) create a normal nick. This is a risky choice, because, although some idiots do use non-idiot nicknames, they usually compensate this lack of stupidity in other aspects. So be careful when choosing this option, because you'll be wasting a perfect chance to show how much of an IDIOT you are.

Remmember that you need to be the least creative as you can, otherwise you'll just look like someone pretending to be an IDIOT, and that's just absurd...

Second step is filling the other fields of the registration form. This is highly optional, because most idiots are too lazy, and some other idiots don't even know that there are more fields to be filled out.

If you chose to fill these fields, do that in an absolutely idiotic way. Put jokes that aren't funny in the personal fields, like "oops...I forgot" or "Geez, there are too many things to be filled", etc.

If you want to use a signature, use the most idiotic one you can find/create. Probably the best way is quotes from 1910. Illogical messages to the other users/friends/unknown cosmic entities are recommended, especially emoticons. All this together would add up even better! Your signature is the first place where idiots reveal their personality, and your personality must be spectacularly IDIOTIC.


Lesson 2 - "HI, I'M AN IDIOT"

This lesson is obligatory,so pay a lot of attention. Practically all the IDIOTS create threads to introduce themselves, so, if you don't create one, you won't be a complete idiot. "But many people create threads to introduce themselves and are not IDIOTS!", you can say. You are right, but all the IDIOTS do it with style!

A good way to start is create a thread in a completely wrong place. Look for the sub-forum that has less to do with "Welcoming Threads" and open your thread there. Soon, everybody will notice how IDIOTIC you are, and, consequently, you'll be quickly accepted as a part of the clan.

But don't think it's over yet, you still have the hard work of writing the message. At this point is important to notice how all idiots hate to write, so you must do it in the cheapest way you can (see Lesson 3, ahead).

IMPORTANT: when normal people read an introducing thread, they probably want to know more about you. And it's exactly because of this that you won't leave any personal information clear and accessible. I'll explain: When IDIOTS read an introducing thread they don't give a **** to who you are, they just want to post "Welcome". This way, when an idiot opens an introducing thread he doesn't want to talk about himself, he just wants people to start posting "Welcome" on it.

Talking about yourself isn't forbidden, but it would be too stupid, even to the most IDIOTIC of the IDIOTS. (I mean, you can even take the risk, but the other idiots can be jealous of your stupidity level, what would make your acceptance in the clan way harder.) The best option is writing a basic idiotic post, following the specifications on Lesson 3, occasionally throwing an information about you in the text. This way the other idiots will quickly recognize you as one of them.


Lesson 3 - THE ART OF READING AND WRITING AS AN IDIOT

This is probably the hardest lesson, so pay attention. As it was previously said, IDIOTS hate to write, despite that, they do it all the time. And seen as you are ready to become an IDIOT, mastering the art of writing like one is indispensable.

Before anything else, you must understand that, they don't just hate writing, IDIOTS detest to read. This way, when posting, you must not care about what is being discussed on that thread.
Don't waste time reading other users posts, this isn't necessary to an idiot.

"But, if I don't read what others have said, then what will I post?" Ah, poor naive creature. Post whatever you want. There are no rules about what you should and shouldn't post when you are an IDIOT. Talk about your neighbour's dog with ringworms of the size of a rattlesnake, talk about the girl in your school(secretary at work) with whom you felt in love , talk about your favorite band, whatever!

Occasionally IDIOTS talk about the thread subject, so you must do that sometimes. But when venturing into this rare activity, just read the thread's first post and nothing else. Post something vaguely related to that post and ignore what all the other posts say. This way the other IDIOTS will soon realize that you, just like them, don't have the mental capacity to follow a discussion of more than 2 messages, and they will welcome you into their club.

Even rarer are idiots that directly answer other user's posts. If you try to do that, act with extreme caution, because, if you start to participate actively in those discussions, the IDIOTS will begin to think that you are annoying and will start to consider you a normal irritating person. Seen as it is a dangerous territory, here are some tips:

* - Never use quotes. It's simply the worst thing you can do. Your message will look horribly organized, and organization is something that doesn't exist in the IDIOTS world. Instead, copy/paste the message to which you'll reply and post your answer right above it, preferentially in the same line. This way, identifying what's the original post and what's your reply will be almost impossible.
* - Never say anything constructive. If you are directly replying to a message, do it with a non funny joke or an useless comment, preferentially making no sense.

Now that I've already explained about what you should write, it's time to talk about HOW you should write.

To IDIOTS, "grammatical rules" are just two annoying words. Therefore, disrespect them as much as you can, and remember that there are no exaggerations when you are an IDIOT. Switch c with s, and vice-versa; use words that don't mean anything; etc.Make each error count and other idiots will be impressed with your lack of common sense.

Equally important are typing errors. A true IDIOT must type as if his finger were being controlled by a drunk wire-puller. Most important: never, ever correct anything you wrote wrong.

Of course that isn't enough for a true IDIOT. One of the biggest contributions of the Internet to humanity was that, based on it, the IDIOTS were able to develop their own language. If you want to be respected as an IDIOT, it's indispensable that you have complete domain over that language.

Just like anything else created by idiots, this dialect is simple and irregular. The main rule is "there are no rules", but some basic guidelines are to be followed. The language involves basically the changing of letters, sometimes with the objective to obsolete the use of the "shift" key, which is something too complex for IDIOTS (have you ever saw any idiot pressing more than 1 key at the same time?), and other keys, just to look more idiotic.

Below is an small dictionary of that language...

* o --> u (it happens when the sound of the letter "o" is covered by the sound of the "u", or "l". Example: "Could" --> "cud")
* e --> (it happens when the sound of the letter "e" isn't pronounced. Example: some --> sum, come --> cum)
* er --> a (it happens when the combination of the letters "er" has the same sound of an "a" . Example: other --> ada.)
* th --> v (it happens when the combination of the letters "th" has the same sound of a "v" . See example above)

The punctuation must be carefully careless, but pay attention to the following patterns:

- Completely forget about the standard punctuation. Pretend it doesn't exist. It's a mirage. It isn't there.

- Exclamation and question marks should be used with extreme caution (many IDIOTS make questions without putting the question mark at the end of it, since the rest should know that it was a question). If you think that putting a question mark or exclamation mark is essential, just add it and about 900% more marks than a normal person would.

- Regarding ,the use of, commas, use them rarely, just, in, case, where, it, shouldn't be, used.

- In the IDIOT world, the semicolon only exists by accident.

It's also common among IDIOTS to use other idiotic resources of their language, like writing a message with CAPS LOCK pressed, or writing the same word dozens of times in the same sentence. Again, there are no specific rules to that, except the one, that says "The more Idiotic, the better".

Lesson 4 - SMILES EVERYWHERE!

IDIOTS love all kinds of emotions, so use them!! "But smiles, as the name says, are useful to transmit emotions in the internet, even serving as a tool to intensify the sarcasm at some messages, and that definitely isn't idiotic”, someone could perspicaciously say. Yes, but the IDIOTS don't seem to know that. Therefore, you'll have to use smiles always in parts of the message where they don't mean anything, and always in stupid amounts.

All forums have at least a couple of smiles, and IDIOTS like to mix all of them in a way that doesn't make any sense. However, you should not be limited to use the forum smilies. IDIOTS also like to use the emoticons made with their keyboard, like:

*sigh*

o__o

_o/

Etc.

Something absurdly idiotic and stretching out, so they can occupy more space in the screen:

XDDDDDDDDDDDD

o________________o

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\o///////////////////////////////

Etc.

Stretch them beyond the limits of common sense, preferentially going outside the page frames, and before you can even realize you'll be on the IDIOTS Hall of Fame.


Lesson 5 – NEEDING ATTENTION (Johnson?...)

All the idiots, pathologically, need attention. They are invariably spoiled and puerile beings, that need attention like a smoker needs nicotine. That means that all your posts are actually desperate tries of getting some attention disguised as messages.

Your attitude when posting must be focused on that, and there are some patterns of behavior that guarantee success:

Before anything else, declare your immeasurable desire of making friends.

Give a BIG WELCOME to all the new members on their introducing threads! Write down their MSN, AIM, Yahoo and ICQ numbers of everyone (you already got all of this, eh Johnson?). Send PM's saying "good morning" and/or "good evening" and/or "Hi, how are you" (Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii) to everybody online when you enter the forum. Etc.

When you finally get a lot of MSN/ICQ/whatever contacts, apply the technics described below (important: always give preference to user of the opposite sex):

- Declare bad luck in love;

This one is very popular. For some unknown reason, IDIOTS believe that looking pathetic and frustrated in love will help them to earn some points with the opposite sex. Go figure that out . Anyway, independently of your age, act like a frustrated teenager that has just received his first "NO", and try to use that to initiate a relationship with somebody from the forum, even if you have never saw, or spoken to that person

- Declare your immeasurable ineptitude at making friends/having luck in love;

Can you see that things are getting quite repetitive now? Well, actually, this technic must be used only after the above mentioned have been. When you can't make friends/initiate a relationship on the forum, look more frustrated than ever, desperate and ,of course, that you even think suicide is a option.


Lesson 6 – LAUGHING: ALWAYS OR NEVER

Basically, there are 2 types of IDIOTS: the fool-cheerful and the fool-arrogant. Before embarking in the trip to IDIOT-JESTER you must chose one of these groups to be put in. Strangely, there aren't many reports of IDIOTS oscillating among these two behavior variations.

Practically all the IDIOTS invariably belong to one of these groups, and don't change groups. EVER!.

In case you chose to be a fool-cheerful, you must put laughters in every single post you make, except in the ones where you forgot about it (remember about the paragraph about typing mistakes - never edit a post). A good solution to that is posting the same things again, just adding the laughters. That is so idiotic that all the other IDIOTS will be amazed with how idiotic you are, and maybe(just maybe), choose you as their leader! Annoying laughters are recommended. The ones with "u" are popular, like "uhehuehuehueuh" or "huahuahuahu".

In case you choose to be a fool-arrogant, you must never demonstrate the smallest sense of humour. Your objective is to become the world's most boring person (Uhm, we know who that could be, right?). Always look grumpy and try to pass the image of someone bad-tempered. Complain all the time (about everything). And most important: forget about Lesson 4. Emoticons usually represent happiness, and this kind of IDIOT cannot look like he's happy.

* There's another type of IDIOT, it's the only kind of IDIOTS that writes reasonably well, can follow a complete discussion and even looks slightly intelligent. You must act with extreme caution if you choose to join this rare group of IDIOTS, because the compensation to the lack of the idiotic way to write, read and understand is that all the characteristics common to the ordinary IDIOT (arrogancy, bad-temper, etc) are elevated to sky-high (Is that wishbone?). Sincerely, there aren't many reasons to choose this group of IDIOTS, seen as they are discriminated by both normal users and other IDIOTS.

Lesson 7 - MODS: HATE THEM OR LOVE THEM

Again, there aren't many choices. IDIOTS invariably think that moderators:

a)are always right OR b) are always wrong.

IF you go with the option a) never go against a moderator. Accept everything they do without complaining, no matter how much stupid their actions look. Praise them and encourage them, and always complain about the idiots that follow option b). Give hunches about possible improvements in the forum and complain about people who disrespect the rules (of course, IDIOTS usually disrespect them as well, what makes these complaints a bit hypocritical, but you don't care). Occasionally an IDIOT becomes a moderator, so be think positive and it might happen to you!
(kdicefreak?)

In case you choose option b) Always complain about the mods, no matter how coherent and right their actions look. Complain all the time, accusing them of tyranny and favoritism. A recommended behavior is: as soon as a mod interferes on your participation of the forum (deleting a post, locking a thread, or even sending you a warning), start to hate him above of everybody else. Since that moment, 75% of your posts will have the objective of defaming that moderator. Accuse him of despotism, make heated protests about how that moderator has no respect for your freedom of speech, etc. Sooner than you think, you'll receive your first suspension, status symbol among IDIOTS.

(I think I don't even have to explain this one)

Lesson 8 – NEVER UNDERSTAND, ALWAYS MAKE QUESTIONS

IDIOTS never understand anything. If you want to be taken "seriously" as an IDIOT, you have to look extremely confused all the time, and ask about everything. Act like you have never heard about Google and use the forum as your own private search engine.

You must do it in this way: let's say that, in a thread about movies, user said something about Altman. A true IDIOT wouldn't have a clue about who the **** is Altman, and wouldn't use Google to find it out. Therefore, the idiotic attitude to be taken would be, in the middle of the conversation, post something like
"Who's Altman????? o___O".Please note that most IDIOTS never come back to see the answer – they just don't care about it and only want to make questions.

The best moment to put that behavior in practic is when the discussion is active, and all the participants are having a good time. This way the idiotic question becomes something that leaves all the other forumers annoyed, except, of course, the IDIOTS.

Lesson 8,5 - NEVER USE THE HELP(FAQ) SECTION

This lesson is, actually, part of Lesson 8, and is related to only one little thing, but that thing is important. Most forums have a help(FAQ) sections where users can have their questions answered by most experienced forumers.

No matter what happens, keep this on your mind: that thing is absolutely complicated and completely useless to an IDIOT. Instead of using it, post your questions on the nearest thread, or, even better, open your own question threads, as long as it is located anywhere but in the Help section.


Lesson 9 – SPAM A LOT

That was suggested in all the previous lessons, but will be discussed directly on this one, to give our guide a feeling of closure(and in case someone hasn't realized that spamming is all that an IDIOT invariably does). That is the last things you need to know before joining the trip to IDIOT-JESTER: IDIOTS love to spam. A lot. Therefore, let's work!!

1- Make a conversation out of a thread

In case anybody replies to a post of yours, any post, act like that person is your friend since the begining of time, even if you don't know who she/he is. Ask him/her the first thing that you can think of, and try to transform the discussion in your own private chat room. Try doing it in an active thread: complete success will be reached once you make everybody quit that thread and restart the discussion elsewhere.

2- Post everywhere

Try to post on ALL the threads, in all the subsections of the forum. Even when you don't have anything useful to post - what will happen in 99% of the times you post.

3- Start imbecil amounts of threads

Try to create as many threads as you can, in the least time possible. A good strategy is to watch the first page's threads, and create threads to discuss something that is already being discussed, just to make a mod come and lock your thread, giving you the chance to apply the technic described in Lesson 7.

4- Let everyone know that you're reading the messages

Post useless comments about any useless thing you see on the topic. Even when you have nothing to add to the debate, it's always good to post the occasional "Oh really?" or an "I agree". Post laughters after anything that slightly sounds like a joke.




Hope you've enjoyed this (if you have actually read the whole thing)